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My partner and I started trying for children quite late, although we got together when I was 31 and him 34. We had issues caused by undiagnosed adenomyosis ( a form of endometriosis) that affected our sexual life, our relationship and our chances to have chidren. Once I was treated ( a simple hormonal IUD for a year), we got pregnant quite easily, but I was already 36.
Our daughter is very much loved but the adjustment to parenthood was a challenge as her sleep was erratic and we were exhausted all the time. It changed when she turned a year and half and, as we're not getting any younger, we decided to try for another child as soon as it was better.
All went well and I was pregnant again just before my 38th birthday.
At the 9 week datation scan we discovered there were two babies. I had a meltdown, the shock was so great.
There are twins in my partner's family and we had talked about that possibility in a joking way a few days before. I had already expressed that I couldn't envision having twins for a second pregnancy. For a first one, it would have been an adventure, for the second it felt daunting.
Here is a list of everything that was going through my head: I never wanted a big family (2 children is my maximum), I now know what taking care of a child is like and it's demanding, I am not as resilient to tiredness as I was even 2 years ago, I knew my daughter would lose a significant part of my attention and I was not ready to give her that much less, the financial stress is real, I was afraid to not be a good mom to my daughter and to them, I was worried about the impact of a twin birth on my body, about how I would take care of 3 young children well, I was feeling too old, I was questioning the impact it could have on my relationship and myself, I was shocked that I had to envision an abortion at my age and in my situation...
I am so grateful to live in a country (France) where I have the possibility to make a choice and it's free.
My parents' and my mother-in-law's first reaction was happy and surprised. They liked the idea of twins, just like my partner did. One had some harsh words when I said I didn't know whether I would keep them but came around later. In the end, they were understanding. I think they realised they wouldn't have liked that situation for themselves at our age. My partner was great, he respected my decision and was there.
We carried this pregnancy for 12 weeks. My decision was made in he 9th week but due to a queue in appointments, the termination itself took place in the 12th week. I was sick from the 5th week till the last. My condition worsened: I couldn't keep food, I lost 5 kilos in a few weeks, I lost sleep, I was bedridden and unable to help with childcare at all. I was lucky to have a partner who handled the household during that time, we had precious help from family. However my morale was going down as well as my physical condition as medication didn't help with my symptoms. When I was finally on the operating table I felt relief.
I said goodbye to these two babies, being sorry for them to have chosen me, thanking them also to make me realise all I already had that was such a chance.
The procedure was under total anesthesia and went well. I recovered in the the next few days. The holiday season being near really helped my spirits as I had plans with friends and family and was finally fully present for my daughter again. I didn't tell the truth to everyone. Some know everything, some were told it was the risks of the first trimester.
My partner was exhausted after that period and became a bit depressed for a while but our love for our daughter, each other and our family made us put that ordeal behind us.
However, we are now hesitating about trying again. We thought we could bounce back easily but the last few weeks of pregnancy really scared us (I was almost hospitalised). Maybe we won't have another child like we hoped. But I won't regret that decision: I'd rather be a happy parent to an only child than a miserable one to three.