This story is published at Shout Your Abortion.

I knew I was pregnant a week before I took an actual test. I was about 2 days late but I tried to convince myself it was because I was stressed, starting a new semester of graduate school.

On a Tuesday, I decided I needed to know. So I ran home after class and took two tests; almost immediately the two pink lines popped up.

First two thoughts that popped up were 1. How could I be so careless with my body? (I’ve almost always relied on the pull out method) And 2. My boyfriend would make such a good father one day, but not right now. I am 24 years old, living in NYC with more student debt than I’d care to admit and having a baby was not in my plans.

I cried for about 30 seconds when I told my roommate. After, I told my little sister and my boyfriend. We all agreed that a medical abortion (pills) was the best decision for me. I did not even hesitate. I made the appointment at Planned Parenthood in lower Manhattan for the following day.

When I got to Planned Parenthood with my roommates and boyfriend, I paid for the appointment up front in cash, which was $500. I then went through a series of tests including vaginal ultrasound, peeing in a cup, bloodwork, and counseling.

During the ultrasound, the technician asked if I wanted to see the screen, if I wanted to know if there was more than one gestation, and if I wanted a picture. My answers were yes, yes, and no.

With no words she turned the ultrasound screen towards me and there were two separate gestational sacs; twins.

I always knew I carried “the twin gene” but never would I have thought in a million years I would be pregnant at 24 and pregnant with twins.

I was 5 weeks and 3 days along. I went into a room with the nurse practitioner, where she confirmed I was carrying fraternal twins and I’ll probably have twins again, when I am ready.

In the office I took the first pill that is supposed to stop the production of hormones and the growth of hormones. As I was leaving, I had told her I didn’t know if I wanted to tell my mom, who I am extremely close with. The NP told me that she has a daughter my age and that my mom will never stop loving me, even if she was mad at me for being careless with my body.

I felt fine for the rest of the day and sat through class the following day from 8am-5pm without any pains, however I did start to spot a little.

I took the 4 dissolvable pills that expel the pregnancy that night after class. I took 800mg of Ibuprofen, an anti nausea medication they prescribed me (which is also used as a sedative so be careful), a heating pad at hand, and my boyfriend and roommates were there to comfort me.

I was ready for the horrible cramps that I was warned about. A few hours had passed and I did not experience any cramps but I had the heavy bleeding and I felt my colon making moves like I had eaten something bad. I wore large maxi pads for about two days and went to class the next day. I was changing the pad every two hours or so to feel comfortable.

I told my mom a few days later over dinner. She told me about her own experience; she was 22 years old and it was 6 months before her wedding. She said she simply was not ready. You never know who will be able to empathize with you so be open to people you trust.

Less than a week later I went back to Planned Parenthood for my follow up appointment, which included another vaginal ultrasound and meeting with the nurse practitioner. I had also asked for the previous ultrasound picture. I don’t want to forget about the two lives that were growing inside me.

The NP confirmed my pregnancy was over and the pills had done their job. Overall, my experience was smooth and more emotional than I would’ve thought.

Planned Parenthood is a safe haven. I would recommend going there for anyone who can. However,  I cried that night, really cried. It has been a few days since the follow up appointment and I have an underlying sadness.

I am mourning the loss of those two lives and potential of what could have been. Although, my boyfriend and I have not said it, I am sure those two lives were made out of love and the decision was also made out of love.

Neither of us were ready and I would not bring two babies into this world unless I knew I could give them the absolute best. One day there will be a world where I am ready for them.