This story is published at Pregnancy Choices Directory.

Our pregnancy was very planned. We have two children aged 4½ years and 3 years and experienced 3 losses trying for a third.

We took a break for half a year and then on the first cycle trying again, I was so happy to get a positive test. At 5 weeks, I had an ultrasound that showed two gestational sacs. I was blown away and devastated. We really only wanted one more and just couldn’t handle two more. Our vehicle/home isn’t big enough among many other things.

I also had an amazing home birth after c-section for my second born and was fully planning another home birth. But twins in this area are hospital only and usually c-section. I also don’t have easy pregnancies and knew to carry twins would be very hard on my body.

I tried to make peace with the idea of twins but it just never sat right. My husband told me that he was supportive of whatever I wanted to do. I honestly thought I would never be someone who got an abortion. I waited until the last possible day to do it, hoping one would pass away naturally.

At 9 weeks 1 day, I had an appointment with a local Choices to do the first part of the appointments. In my state, the first appointment and the one where you receive the medications must be 48+ hours apart. The next day they could get me in for the second part of the abortion was 10+0. Literally the last day they allow the pill abortion.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to go through with a surgical abortion. I took the pill in the clinic at 3:15 pm on a Monday. The next day at 9 am, I went ahead and vaginally inserted the other pills. I had taken pain medicine they’d given me and that helped a lot.

I started to feel light cramps an hour later, then some clots came out. 3½ hours after, I "gave birth" to two perfect babies. Both boys by the looks of it. Seeing them was very hard, almost 2" long each. But then my husband helped me bury them out back.

I was hoping I would feel relief and I guess I do, but I mostly just feel like a horrible mother. I made this choice to give my two living children the best life but now I’m the mother of two deceased little boys.

Overall I think I made the right decision but it’s by far the worst decision I’ve ever had to make and wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Also; we will not be trying again for a third. It feels unfair to do so after sacrificing one wanted baby and one unwanted. I’m making peace with our family of 4.