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I just want to share this because I know I looked so hard for similar stories just so I wouldn't feel alone and so miserable in my realization that I never wanted kids, AFTER getting pregnant.

My first abortion I had at 16 years old. I didn't quite feel anything at the time, but I strongly believe it messed up with my guilt in the future, guilt that lead to issues that I was already predisposed to because of other problems in my life as I started developing anxiety, depression and severe Obsessive Compulsion Disorder at the age of 20.

I was then 30 years old and been seeing someone whom I actually met in my 20s and we were together for about 4 or 5 months.

In all this time he kept telling from the start that he wanted kids very much, as he was already 35 and so on. I was resistant at first but then I started fantasizing about the idea. I thought that maybe I could pull it off, even though I still was having issues with my mental disorder for which I was on medication but didn’t seem quite to work.

One thing led to another and I got pregnant. From there I can honestly say I lived in hell for 2 months being in the most indecisive state I had ever been in my life on wether or not I would be capable of caring for and loving not one, but 2 children — because I was also pregnant with twins.

At 6 weeks into the pregnancy I decided I wanted to have an abortion and went to the clinic only to discover there that it was separate twins.

No one in my family or the father’s family ever had twins, so it scared the hell out of me and I ended up leaving the clinic that day because I felt I wouldn’t be able to live afterwards if I aborted twins.

But I still felt miserable about the pregnancy. There are so many thoughts that went through my mind but I am trying to summarize the most recurrent.

I was also feeling really sick because of the twin pregnancy. For a month I could not eat properly at all as I was throwing it all up. I just felt nauseous and throwing up all the time, and mentally I just felt depressed, super anxious, always angry to the point where I started hating myself and the father for letting this happen to me again. I couldn’t stand the sight of him or him touching me anymore.

I was not capable of thinking about the good stuff that would come with babies. I just know I would have been consumed by all the bad stuff and was so afraid that eventually i wouldn’t be able to properly care for them. I felt that the anger and the hate will not let me properly connect with them.

I tried so hard accepting the pregnancy until it got to the 10th week and I just knew I had to abort because then I couldn’t turn back as it would be too late.

I know in my heart and it is making me sad at the same time that I will not and could not ever have kids because I am too paralyzed with fear and negativity, as this is how I’ve been my whole life. The struggles that come with parenthood are hard enough for normal people, let alone for someone like me.

Don’t get me wrong, I know there are a lot of people with similar or worse problems than mine and still are able to have and love kids. I just felt I couldn't do it at all.

With all the help in the world that I was offered, I still knew it would require me to be emotionally stable and involved and I just could not cope with the idea and all the thoughts regarding raising 2 children at once.

I am suffering for doing the abortion still because it is a sad decision and a very difficult one. I just keep reminding myself of the reasons I took this decision and try to take it one day at a time. I just hope I will still be able to enjoy life in some way after this as it is still pretty recent.

I think all I want to say is try to be patient and loving towards yourself, no matter your decision. Step by step.