This story is published at Trauma Informed Doula.

I had my abortion at Planned Parenthood. I suspected I was pregnant for a while but discovered for certain November 23rd, 2020, a day before my 25th birthday.

It was horrible. I hated being in my body -- I could hardly stand it. I also hid it from everyone. It was like I had a HUGE secret I couldn't tell anybody.

I always knew I would make this choice. My whole life the one thing I always knew for certain was that I never wanted to reproduce. I always knew what my choice would be. No one helped me make the choice, it was all mine 100%.

I was pretty alone honestly, because I cut ties with the person it happened with, and my best friend lives out of state. Today I went out with another good friend and I was able to confide in her everything that happened, and her listening to me and giving me that space to just vent was really helpful beyond words.

It was December 4th of last year. My appointment was at 12:30 at Planned Parenthood. The person who this happened with was my ride and he was running a little late. I had told him I was going to drive myself but he ended up arriving 5 minutes late.

He dropped me off at the clinic at 12:35. I waited outside as they asked the person in front of me the Covid screening questions and did the temperature check.

Then it was my turn. I checked in and waited to be called back. I waited for about 2 hours before finally being called back.

The nurse took my vitals, and then prepared me for my first ultrasound to see how far along I was, so they'd know just how much to dilate me. They asked me first if I wanted to see my ultrasound. I said no. They asked if I wanted a copy to put in an envelope to take home? I said yes.

They asked if I wanted to know if there were multiples? I said sure, no way that'd be me.

When she was nearly finished with my ultrasound, she told me I was 6 weeks and 1 day along, and that I was indeed carrying twins.

She gave me a copy of my ultrasound(s!!!) and told me to get dressed. Then another woman came in to ask me the informed consent questions. She was super sweet, I'll always remember how comforted that woman made me feel.

After that I waited in that room for about a half hour until they brought me to the procedure room. At this point, it was around 3:00. It was agony waiting in the procedure room for them to come in. Almost forty five minutes passed and no one came in to check on me, to give me medication, anything. I was about to lose it, but finally the nurse came in and gave me the medication.

She explained each pill before putting it in a cup for me to take. Then she told me we had to wait 30 minutes for the medication to kick in before the procedure started. That wait wasn't so horrible because I knew I was on the home stretch.

Finally three ladies came in around 4:25-ish. The woman who did my procedure had bright pink hair, and she explained the process as she was doing it. She gave me a shot to numb my cervix, which she made it out to seem like it was going to hurt worse than it actually did. After that she inserted the speculum.

She explained something about the suction tool and that the procedure will take like 3 minutes, but that she would do an ultrasound afterwards to make sure both were removed. One of the other women, ironically it was the woman who told me my test results the 2 weeks prior, sat next to me and told me I could squeeze her hand, which I definitely did.

The actual procedure was the most unpleasant physical sensation I've ever experienced. It literally felt like someone stuck a vacuum inside of me. And I was cramping so badly. At one point I screamed out that I couldn't do it anymore but the woman told me she was almost done and I was doing great.

Probably less that 20 seconds later she was done. She did the second ultrasound to make sure my uterus was empty, then she inserted an IUD. I was the last patient for the day.

After that they told me to get dressed. They gave me goldfish crackers and some ginger ale and I sat in the waiting room for 10 minutes before they told me my ride was here and it was safe for me to go.

I left the clinic around 5:20pm that day. The person it happened with picked me up, I honestly don't even remember them asking me about it. He took me through Mcdonald's per my request, made sure I was home safely. I ate my food, put something on TV, then I drifted off to sleep until the next day.

I had no expectations of others-- the only person who knew was the person this happened with and my best friend from out of state. No one knew. I honestly didn't expect much from the person this happened with, either. I knew I'd be dealing with it mostly myself.

I didn't expect for me to feel emotional so much in the days following. But, I also didn't expect for me to be so at peace with it, either.

Before the abortion, I was really fucking anxious. I just wanted it to be over with. I couldn't wait for the day of the procedure, for me to leave the clinic not pregnant anymore, to have my body back.

After, I felt a lot of emotions, especially because I found out exactly how far I was, but most critically that I was carrying twins. That really fucking rocked me. I don't regret my decision — I wouldn't have survived pregnancy, but it just made it so much more heavy, that there were two, rather than one.

Choosing to have an abortion, to not reproduce, does align with my goals for myself. I had JUST left a long relationship, I needed to work on myself and just got caught up in a fling.

If I would have had them, they'd be tying me to some random, older dude for the rest of my life. Plus I'd have to figure out how to raise not one, but TWO babies, when I can't even take care of myself.

Abortion was literally the only choice for me.

I feel stronger. I feel thankful it happened. I feel grateful for my two unborn children, for not only waking me the FUCK up, but for allowing me to live my life. Sometimes it really hurts, but ultimately, I am at peace with it.

I learned that I am stronger than I think I am. I learned that it's okay to have things to not share everything in the entire world with your family. I've learned that I can handle a fucking lot-- I can handle anything!

This experience changed me literally in almost every way possible. It woke me up. I realized I need to get my shit together. I'm inspired to be better, and to use this experience to help people. It's literally rocked my world, 100%. It’s been a catalyst for new goals and a new outlook on life

I changed my priorities about what is important in life. I have a greater appreciation for the value of my own life. I have developed new interests., I have a greater feeling of self-reliance. I have a better understanding of my spiritual beliefs.

I more clearly see who I can count on in times of trouble. I established a new path for my life., I have a greater sense of closeness with others. I am more willing to express my emotions.

I know that I can handle difficulties. I can do better things with my life. I am better able to accept the way things work out. I can better appreciate each day. New opportunities are available to me which wouldn’t have been otherwise.

I have more compassion for others. I put more effort into my relationships. I am more likely to try to change things that need changing. I have stronger faith in myself.

I discovered that I’m stronger than I thought I was. I learned a great deal about how wonderful people are.