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Radio technician: How many kids do you already have?

Me: Why? How many are in there?

Radio technician : 2

Me: Are you serious?

Radio technician: I’m dead serious.

Me: F . . . .

Quite simply how it went!

I was thrilled to be pregnant. I told so many friends already (mistake) it was an accident but we had talked about starting to try for our second a couple months later. This felt meant to be!

I love being a mom. I love my son so much! He will be two in a couple months.

Finding out we were having twins was like an ice cold bucket being thrown at my face!

Shock!

I spent the day problem solving. We would have to sell our house and move to a cheaper town. That would mean I would have to quit my job and my partner could not pursue his current ambition to start his own company.

It could work.

To say our relationship felt the effects of having a kid is an understatement. It’s been good but also tough! My partner and I are super active and it’s been a constant battle towards equity of activity time. Never mind the conversation on values, manners and how to raise our kid. We come from different cultures and backgrounds.

But it works. We love each other and love being parents. And that is why, for me, this decision is the hardest. It feels we’re being so choosy with life!

My partner was a hard no. Right away! He didn’t show any empathy for me who’d been sick as a dog for 9 weeks. He didn’t try to be soft or talk it through. He was convinced we’d probably split up in 2 years. It was a rough evening of screaming and crying (for me).

I gave him some space to process over the next couple days and I did some reading. About everything twins, everything « twin-life », and now days later finding this website ( a true blessing).

He softened up. Said it’s not his decision and he’ll be there no matter what I decide. It was good to hear. I softened, too. I’m empathetic to his side. I’m scared shirtless, too!

The thing is . . . I have endless resilience, he doesn’t. I always see the positive or at least the silver lining and I take ownership in my decisions. For him it’s a bit harder to get there.

We are a unit and as a unit I don’t think we’ve got this!

So here I am on the brink of making the call. I have really horrible images going through my head when I lay at night. I fear I’ll be judged. I told a good number of friends I was pregnant!! I fear I’ll regret later down the road. But then again . . . I usually am good once I’ve made a decision.

Thank you for giving space for this. Reading everyone’s stories help me tremendously. And the simple fact of writing this down I feel lighter!

Tomorrow I’ll call my doctor and ask for an appointment.