This story is published at Reddit.

I’ve had a lot of trouble finding stories like mine, so I’m going to share.

My husband and I have a great relationship, we have been married for a while with no children. We live in an expensive area and are saving money, but live in a duplex rental with two older cars etc. We both have solid careers that involve a lot of travel in non-covid times.

I found out I was pregnant. It was a surprise but we were excited. We figured that we could make it work with one kid. The idea grew on me and by 10 weeks, I was really excited to be a mom. I had a rough pregnancy, couldn’t sleep, was very sick, losing weight, etc.

Then I went in for my 10 wk scan and surprise - found out it’s twins. I started crying during the ultrasound and the rest of the appointment passed in a blur. I called my husband from the parking lot, completely hysterical.

We talked when I got home and decided we can’t do twins. We have no support network where we live, I would have to quit my job soon, as travel is a requirement and a twin pregnancy is too high risk for even domestic travel. I love my job and I would have to become a stay-at-home mom for at least a few years, and we would be forced to go into debt during that time, as we really need two incomes.

On top of all that, I was stressed thinking of one healthy baby. I have no experience with children and nobody around to show me the ropes. The idea of two babies, with a higher risk of health issues, was too much for me.

I looked into reduction to a single fetus but this would involve extensive out of state travel during a pandemic, invasive genetic testing, additional risk to the remaining fetus, and forever looking at one child and remembering there should have been two. I am still not convinced this isn’t the best option but who fucking knows and I need this nightmare to be “over.”

We decided I should get an abortion. The first appointment Planned Parenthood had was a week out, and this is the longest and hardest week of my life. I’m devastated. I wanted a baby, and I hate my husband for not being able to just snap his fingers and provide for us, and I hate myself for not wanting it even if he could. It’s so unfair to everyone.

I feel pregnant every minute of every day and when I inadvertently touch my growing belly, I want to die. I just can’t believe this is my reality, my marriage, my life. I count the hours until I get to go to sleep and I count the days until I will no longer be pregnant. I have never been so miserable.

And at the end of all this, I’m expected to someday try again. Are you fucking kidding me.