This story is published via Shout Your Abortion.

Last November I had an abortion. In October, I found out I was 20 weeks pregnant. With twins.

My weight always fluctuates as an adult. I was in sever depression in a nasty divorce all summer, so my stomach was growing and the pain I had the whole tie was not the most pressing concern for me until I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror.

I was like whoa, that is all belly, the rest of you isn’t gaining. You’re in pain. Take a test.

I took a test from Target, and then took another one and then was like oh my god, I have to find somewhere to take care of this.

The only person I had slept with after the divorce had terminal brain cancer, and was actively dying.

I don’t make enough money to be a single parent. I was not in the right place in my life for this.

And there was no way it could have been healthy. I survived all summer on anxiety meds, Gatorade, and Pepto Bismol because of the unfamiliar pain.

I drove to a clinic near me and the doctor walked in — looked at me — I hadn’t even taken the test yet — and she goes, “You’re pregnant.”

A wave of pain washed over me. The assurance that I had been right about the stomach pains, but not knowing when or what to do, was overwhelming and I couldn’t stop crying.

She did the ultrasound and said, “There’s more news. It’s twins. It’s definitely twins.”

She said I was around 20 weeks pregnant, and the state I live in does not allow abortions that late.

I begged her to tell me where I could go. She did tell me that I could go to another state, but she insisted that I should go full term and give them up for adoption. She said it was a blessing.

As soon as I got to my car, I called the other place in another state I had never been to, and cried through the phone call.

They assured me that I could get some blood tests and see if I qualify. So I had them send me the tests and arranged for them to be taken right away.

When I got all of my results, I was shaking nervous. I didn’t know what they meant and I needed to be told that I was approved. Once they reviews my results, they approved me.

As long as I was healthy up to the day of, I could travel there and get it taken care of. I bought a ticket and a hotel room on my credit care because I didn’t have enough money in my bank account.

The trip was so stressful and scary, but every single person at the clinic was an actual human angel.

Every one of the staff there — the aids, the nurses, the doctor — every single one made me feel safe and comfortable and that I was cared for.

The compassion that each person there had for me, I will never ever forget.

It was a scary and sad experience.

I had told my cousin because they’re my best friend, and they were so supportive but couldn’t travel with me as they are on the other side of the country and couldn’t get time off.

And I told my brother because he had to watch my dogs for me.

And I had told a friend, too, and she promised to travel with me and take care of me, but the day before the trip she canceled and I had to go alone.

She has since stopped talking to me. I think she was ashamed of me.

But there was no way I could see me taking care of two babies alone. I can’t afford it financially. I was mentally in anguish. And I can’t imagine they were healthy enough to thrive.