This story is published at Women on Web.

I self aborted two pregnancies with the use of herbs, vitamins and physical cervical dilation.

My feelings were grieving, trapped, relieved, confused, sad. It's complicated. Now I feel sorrow for the loss of them, but at the time it was relief. It would have caused me to completely change my life and career.

I did the abortion with herbs, massages. It lasts a really long time, like a miscarriage can. There is fear about having to go in to a doctor because of infection or blood loss.

I was having financial issues and concerned about my education. I was too young. I was concerned about my work, because I could be fired for having premarital sex and was guaranteed to be fired if I was pregnant.

The illegality of my abortions did not affect my feelings, just my willingness to talk about it with those I feel safe not to be judged by. It was the right choice for my life.

Other people assumed it was miscarriage caused by the pill, for those who knew I had been pregnant.

~Xai