This story is published at Shout Your Abortion.

I always knew, even before I was sexually active, that if I got pregnant at a time that wasn’t right or by someone that wasn’t right, I would terminate the pregnancy. But I never really thought it would happen to me. It did. I was 19 when I conceived, but shortly thereafter I turned 20. I noticed I had cramps and cravings that were typical of a period…but no blood. I thought nothing of it. But then my breasts grew a little and were tender, and I had put on some weight. I knew but didn’t want to.

One morning, I was eating a banana, and a pang of nausea hit me so hard I became light headed. After that I got a pregnancy test at Walmart and took it in the bathroom. Sure enough, I was pregnant. But I wasn’t totally worried. I knew what I was going to do. I discussed it with the father, and he was willing, so much so that he sent me the total cost of the procedure. I opted to have the pill abortion so I could go home. It was excruciating. So much blood and vomit and, sorry for the TMI, but my bowels were completely empty by the end of it. It was rough. But I felt a huge wave of relief when it was done. I took the medication they gave me and followed the rules after. I told myself I would NEVER do it again though.

Then, it happened again. This time I was 25 and it was with someone who I am still currently dating. He was very supportive of my choice and was there with me 100%. He drove me to the clinic, waited with me, and took care of me in the days following. This one was much more anxiety inducing though.

I found out after a period was 2 weeks late. I scheduled the procedure the next day, but I would have to wait 3 weeks. That whole three weeks was nerve wracking and I was having insane mood swings. At one point I thought about killing myself because of….who knows why….hormones? Anyway, the day finally came. I opted for a surgical procedure this time. I didn’t want to endure the pain of the pill. It was so quick and painless. I remember feeling that same enormous wave of relief wash over me again, but this time it was even stronger. I was so grateful that I had the choice, access, and a beautiful boyfriend who was so understanding and compassionate towards me.

To this day, I think of the children I could have had. Would they have been boys? Girls? One of each? If I had had them, one would be going on 7 and the other would be going on 2 months. But I don’t look back at my decision with regret. I am so happy I was able to choose and I am so happy that when I decide to have children, that they will be wanted. I have lost my best friend over this (she’s staunchly pro life), and despite the fact that I miss her dearly some days, I stand by my decision and am grateful everyday that I had a choice.

~Madison