This story is published at Shout Your Abortion.

At 15 I got pregnant. I did not want to carry the stereotype that most Latina women have of having children very young.

When I was pregnant, I did not feel pregnant for the little time I was, no symptoms, no anything.

At 7 weeks,  I got an abortion and til this day only two people know, none that were family members. I got the abortion pill. And I can say it was one of the worst experiences I ever had. Constantly throwing up, and bleeding for more than 2 months.

At 22  I was able to graduate college with a Bachelors degree and start my Masters degree. At 22 I got pregnant for the second time.

With no full time job and being a first-year masters student, I knew that having a baby was not in the plans.

While being pregnant, I felt all the symptoms emotional and physical. All the cravings, the fatigue, the mood swings, and the nausea.  

Knowing that I still had to work for my future and having a baby may hinder it for the moment, I decided to get a second abortion. I felt ashamed and guilty for having to do this for a second time.

The second time I had a surgical abortion. It was not painful physically. During the procedure it was so emotionally painful. Being partially awake and hearing the sound of the vacuum removing the fetus was emotionally painful.

It took me weeks to process what I have been through, and for many days I did not allow myself to feel relieved from having the abortion.

I thought I was supposed to feel guilty –otherwise I feared being perceived as a bad person if I felt relieved from having an abortion.

While this was all happening at a pivotal time in my life, I managed to finish my first semester of graduate school.

Processing this trauma allowed me to look at abortion as a blessing for me, a chance to break many generational traumas, and being able to work on myself to be a successful person financially and emotionally.

Often times I feel selfish. But, I know that if I’m not fully stable and I’m bringing  someone into this world it would be to struggle, like I did growing up.

And  if I have an opportunity to avoid passing on past traumas, I will — and I will not feel ashamed or guilty. Putting yourself first will take you to a beautiful place.