I’ve had 5 abortions.

I came from a nice home, but there were issues. My mom left when I was 5, and my dad had issues with alcoholism.

I had my first abortion at 20 years old. I was in a relationship with an abusive man who I knew was bad, but I felt trapped and desperately wanted his love. I didn’t even consider keeping the baby. He already had 4 children he didn’t take care of, and I just wasn’t ready.

I went to planned parenthood for the procedure. I was poor at the time and didn’t have the money for the anesthesia. I was 8 weeks. I was so scared the whole time I could barely stop myself from shaking.

The second time I got pregnant I again knew I wanted an abortion, I was 20 or 21. Same man, and I was less than 10 weeks. Again, I went to planned parenthood, again couldn’t pay for the anesthesia. This time I didn’t want to go to the same location in fear of being judged.

This man at the time didn’t even want to get out of bed to come with me he was so selfish and lazy. We took the train very far into Miami. Once I was done, he announced that he “lost all his money”. He was so stupid someone probably robbed him blind.

The third time I was 21. We were finally out of my dad’s house. He became really abusive at this point. He cheated on me, he was mentally and physically abusive. This time I was not going back to planned parenthood. I had no money.

I had to tell my nana what happened and beg her for money. She gave me the money and a little extra. We also had no car at this point. My dad ended up taking me, he was drunk the whole time. I got back and my boyfriend at the time wouldn’t even go to get me my medications. I went to get them and came back to find the rest of my money was gone, I now know he stole it. The third time I was also under 12 weeks.

The fourth time. Same man. 22 years old. We had gotten evicted from the apartment and were living with his mother. This time it took me a long time to scrape the money together. I was between 12 and 15 weeks though I don’t remember. This time I took a bus there alone. After it was done he left me there for hours and had to convince his friend to come pick me up.

For these first four abortions I never felt bad. I felt trapped by this man and I hated him. After each abortion I felt relief. He was just the worse thing in the world. He cheated, lied compulsively, hated my family, stole from all of us, hit me. That is just the surface. He is the devil in human form and I genuinely believe that.

I broke up with him when I was 22. I moved on. Got clean, started college. 4 years go by and I met a new man. I loved him from the moment I met him. I thought I was so lucky as to have finally found the one.

After about 4 months, I got pregnant by him. This time was different. I was 26, almost 27. Still lived at home, but I was close to finishing school. I had about a year and a half to go. But he was 36, had his own house and money, and promised to take care of me and our baby.

We picked out names, talked about him/her. We planned everything. At this point I was 3 months pregnant. I unfortunately found out he had lied to me about something pretty big. Now I was faced with an awful dilemma.

There was a chance he was going to be sentenced to jail time for something he did long before he met me. In that case I would have to drop out of school, and be kicked out of my dad’s house. But my boyfriend isn’t making it into a big deal. He told me if I have an abortion we would not be together anymore.

I felt so backed into a corner. I wanted this baby. But I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t trust my boyfriend anymore, and I was scared I couldn’t do it on my own. Still I loved my baby.

I came to the conclusion that even though I did not want to have a 5th abortion I was going to have to force myself to give up my baby. I went to the clinic, it was awful. I was 17 weeks. They had to insert Laminaria into my cervix to dilate me enough to take my baby. It was awful. But I went through with it.

Almost immediately after I regretted it. The shame I feel is so bad. Initially I just wanted to die to be with my baby. I still cry from time to time. My ex followed through and would not speak to me again, as he also wanted this baby bad. And even though he hurt me too, I feel awful for hurting him.

I wish I could go back in time and just keep it. I miss it every day, thinking about what he/she would have been like. The fact that I will never get to see his/her face or hold its little hand breaks my heart. And I went through this alone. Not once did he ask me if I was okay, or even take a little responsibility for his part in all this. My heart has just been broken.

~ Anonymous