This story is published at Shout Your Abortion.

I’m a mother of three and I just had my third abortion. The first two were pretty easy decisions. The pregnancies were non-viable and my body couldn’t let go, so I chose a medication abortion with the first (12 weeks, blighted ovum), and D&C with the second (13 weeks, no heartbeat).

After my third child was born and my husband and I agreed that our family was complete, I thought if I did get pregnant that I would have a hard time with the decision to terminate. I’ve always got baby fever! I had relatively easy pregnancies and births! I love the newborn phase!!!

So when I had a suspiciously light period (almost like weeks 3-4 during my pregnancies…), I sent my husband to the store for pregnancy tests and told him to please not act TOO relieved if I needed to terminate because I was planning on being a little bummed about it, even though I knew it would be the right decision.

As soon as I saw that perpendicular line, any worries about being bummed went out the window. I was annoyed that I had to be dealing with this on top of everything else, but I firmly didn’t want to be pregnant right now, and didn’t want to add another to our family anyway.

That’s it. No sadness, no “well, maybe?” Just, let’s get this handled so we can go back to dealing with the rest of this dumpster fire known as 2020.

I was super disappointed to learn that my state hadn’t done anything to make abortion safer to access during a pandemic. I still would have to do a 3-5 hour appointment at the clinic and get a transvaginal ultrasound?

I kept reading on every single clinic’s website that “abortion is never an easy decision.” Sometimes it is! What’s difficult is navigating these unnecessary barriers! I know the clinics’ hands are tied and it’s not their fault these rules are in place, but I didn’t want to jump through their hoops. I decided to order pills online, thanks to the stimulus check that had just arrived.

I don’t usually enjoy heavy bleeding, but I have to admit that spending the day in bed with Netflix, snacks, my cat acting as a heating pad, and the occasional cuddle visit from my kids was actually pretty nice. Also, my husband helped them make cupcakes!

I’ve since taken the confirmation pregnancy test, and it was negative. I still haven’t felt any sadness, I’m just glad it was relatively easy to decide and then handle it.