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I am absolutely not a writer so yeah, this will probably be all over the place.

The day before my second abortion I felt like I had hit rock bottom.

About two years ago I had my first abortion and it was absolutely traumatizing, I won’t lie. It was very visual and I have thought about it probably every single day since.

A few months after the first one I was pregnant again and instantly knew I was keeping it and I’m not sure if it was because I was scared of an abortion or because I actually wanted to have a baby.

I was only 20 years old and in a stable relationship through the first abortion and we are still together after a baby and another abortion.

Our daughter is now 8 months old and the biggest blessing I’ve ever known. I had no idea it was possible to love someone so much.

Her father and I just recently bought a home together and he has started an amazing career that allows me to stay home with our babe.

I found out I was pregnant again when she was 7 months old and knew I wasn’t ready for another baby. It felt so selfish to give my daughter a sibling so young. I just want her to grow up and be the main focus for a while.

I ordered the abortion pills and tried to prepare myself while waiting for them to arrive. Once they arrived I was so scared and just bawled my eyes out thinking about how terrible of a person I was to be doing this.

I think once you have a baby it’s harder because you know what that “clump of cells” eventually turns into.

Fast forward to right now hours after everything passed. . . I am relieved.

I made dinner. I made cinnamon rolls. I made my boyfriend’s lunch for work. I am myself again and proud of it. I am relieved to have MY BODY back. I am not a hostage anymore.

One day I will have so much love to give to another baby and that baby will be wanted and cared for from the first day I know they are in my belly.

I know that because it wasn’t the right time for me doesn’t mean I need to feel guilty. I can move on and I can be me. I can be a good mother, a good partner and the version of myself that I love.

After my first abortion I didn’t feel happy. I felt horrible really, but there is just something different this time. And whatever it is I am thankful for it.

As I lay here holding my sleeping daughter I can’t help but feel like I can love her fully again.

The last few weeks I have been so lazy and sad and kind of absent from life just knowing there is something unwanted inside of me.

I am just happy. I am no longer going to make myself think about my abortions every day, I am going to move on and get on a birth control that works for me, after all I’m a little bit fertile huh!!!

My two abortions made me feel two completely different ways and I’m so glad I trusted my brain, my body and my heart to work together this time.

Sometimes an abortion can make you feel sad, guilty and regretful but an abortion can also be happy, relieving and empowering. You might even feel like baking some cinnamon rolls and that’s okay too.