This story is published at Shout Your Abortion.

I have had two abortions: one at age 25 and one at 39.

The one at 25 was easier. I was finishing college and one night, my boyfriend and I stupidly had sex without protection. Soon, I hadn’t had my period, and he asked me about it. Once I knew I was pregnant, I hardly thought twice about what I wanted to do.

But the abortion at 39 was harder. I felt I “knew” most women my age would be thrilled to be pregnant. I felt it would be my last chance to be pregnant.

I was with an economically unstable man. We had just moved in together – in fact, he was an alcoholic. He said he was recovered but didn’t go to AA or anything. We both had had middle class upbringings, and I knew we couldn’t give the baby that. I was already depressed and feared postpartum depression. I did not want the baby.

He said he’d do whatever I wanted, which kind of made me feel like I had to make the decision. I didn’t want to be a mother under these circumstances. I ended up having a second abortion.

That boyfriend and I are now exes, but friends. I am now 53 and never ended up having kids. I am on a journey to come to terms with that. I believe it’s possible I’d still like to get married, to someone with kids.