This story is published at Shout Your Abortion.

I felt upset with myself for not being more prepared to bring another life into this world

I’ve had a few abortions after contraception failed. Not something I feel proud of, but in the essence of trying to be the best version of a mother I could be, I felt they were logical decisions.

I have a son that will be four next year. I’m still living with in laws and I am a stay at home mother. It just wasn’t the best timing.

Before making my decision, I looked at myself and everything that was wrong. As harsh as that sounds I knew I did not want to depend on anyone.

I looked at the fact that I currently do not have health insurance where I live, but I do have health insurance under my parents’ back in my home state, and having them pay for my baby just did not sit right with me.

I want to be able to give my next child a house where they can have their own room, and never have to see us struggle to provide for them not only the basic necessities but anything above that.

My son has been able to have everything and I am still deeply yearning for the ability to give him a house this upcoming year.

I sat with grief each time I had to make this hard decision, but I hope I am able to heal and grow into a better version of myself that has everything so I could be the best mother.

I wrote a letter to God and asked him to send me my baby back to me when I am ready.