This story is published at Shout Your Abortion.

I don’t talk about it with anyone, but I think about it a lot.

If I hadn’t had the chance to have an abortion my life would have turned out a lot different.

I’ve struggled with alcohol dependency/addiction since I was 16 years old. It put me in a lot of situations I didn’t anticipate being in. One of which was pregnancy.

My first son I had when I was 18 years old. The pregnancy was easy and I managed to stay sober the whole time.

Shortly after the pregnancy I relapsed and went into a dark place.

I had my first abortion when I was around 20 or 21. Didn’t know I was pregnant until 3 months along.

I knew I wouldn’t have that child due to the amount id been drinking it would have severe disabilities. So I went through with it. At that time it really killed me. Now, I still understand why.

I got pregnant unexpectedly again about a year later with my then boyfriend. Things were great and I was going to have the baby until things weren’t great and he attacked me.

I decided not to go through with the pregnancy. Again, I was devastated. This time because I did want that baby initially. I just wasn’t ready for the trauma and abuse that man could bring to our lives.

I got pregnant for the 4th time shortly after this. Again drinking, this time not knowing who the father was. The choice that time was easy for me.

I got pregnant the 5th time and miscarried which resulted in a D&C.

Pregnant again after the miscarriage I was back together with my ex and I found out I was pregnant with someone else’s kid.

He made me have an abortion. He sat in the waiting room for 4 hours to make sure that I went through with it.

I got pregnant with his son shortly after this, making it my 7th pregnancy. I had my son, and 4 years after that I had my daughter.

My tubes are gone now so I’ll never worry about this again but I look back with sorrow sometimes and I think of my decisions often in today’s world.

If I hadn’t chosen abortion or had the right to choose, my son wouldn’t be here. And I don’t know what kind of parent I would have been had at those times of my life.

Ultimately I wanted to be the best parent I could. When the time is right, YOU KNOW IT. And when it’s not, you know it too. Trust your heart.