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I have a 2 1/2 year old and a 4 year old. They are 17 months apart and it was traumatic for me since their father was not very supportive. He had addictions and was (still is) emotionally unavailable.
It was hard. I experienced postpartum depression and anxiety.
I use family planning to monitor my cycle but in December 2019 I didn't do it correctly and became pregnant. I had an abortion in January, which I was so thankful for because I could barely eat or function to take care of myself or my kids, then 1.5 and 3.
Then in June I find out my husband is cheating on me. It destroyed me. I pushed him away but I also was so lonely and wished it wasn't true, so we had sex and I wasn't monitoring. I underestimated trauma responses. Not to mention the pandemic on top of it all.
I became pregnant again. I felt so ashamed that I had to have another abortion but this time the thought of being pregnant with someone who doesn't love me was unthinkable. I did it for my sanity.
Many would say, "just use birth control,” but the side effects from it are just not something I am willing to continually and possibly permanently suffer.
I was able to use Aid Access both times, which I'm so thankful for because I don't have a lot of money. And both times I found relief and support from reading stories of other women who did not feel shame, but relief in ending their pregnancies for whatever reasons.
Now, I am grappling with the divorce. He has strung me back and forth, making me believe he wants be with me and then cruelly ripping that away from me.
I had such low self esteem that I let him. It's so hard to find support that works, I've tried, and I am struggling to cope.
So again, in my humanness I let him in because I deeply want to be loved. So here I am again making the same mistake of not monitoring my fertility because I don't think I need to, and I get pregnant.
This year has been so hard. Part of me says how dare you for making this mistake a third time, the thought engrained in me that I'm evil for it. But I'm not.
A very small fetus is not a baby. It is not viable outside the womb. A fetus is just the idea of a child, which is why it's acceptable to mourn loss of the potential, but it's also acceptable to say I do not want that potential future.
I am also allowed to make mistakes while I am traumatized and suffering. I do not have to suffer the experience of having an unwanted child during a crisis because others are jaded in their thinking. Ultimately wanting to control women.
I'm writing this to remind myself it’s okay. You are allowed to accidentally get pregnant for any reason. Not just in wild circumstances like a crumbling, abusive marriage in a pandemic.
You are valid in your choices. Abortion is healthcare. No one should be forced to birth a child if they don't want to, no matter how many abortions they have, that is my right and yours.
I want to tell myself and anyone else that you are worthy of love and care no matter how many abortions you need, no matter the circumstances. You get to choose your future.
