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I had my first abortion at the age of 26. I had just started to see a man that was eight years older than me. I was crazy in love despite the fact that he did not want to make our relationship official.

I went to my ob gyn to discuss about contraception. She prescribed me the birth control pill and told to wait until my period starts and then start taking them.

Stupid of us, we used the pull-out method and my periods never started. I took at home pregnancy test and a faint two lines appeared. I knew straight away that I wanted an abortion.

I contacted local healthcare center and they sent me to a nearby hospital to have my ultrasound done. There they estimated that I was around 5-6 weeks. They couldn’t find the embryo yet which was a huge relief to me. Then I was given the first pill and I was told to come back in two days to have the four other pills inserted to my vagina.

The guy I was dating didn’t come with me. I called him from the hospital after the bleeding started and the nurse said everything is alright and I can go home. I told him on the phone that I felt really dizzy and nauseous and couldn’t take the bus home.

He had a car and was working from home, but he told me that he couldn’t come to pick me up because there was afternoon traffic jam. I couldn’t believe how selfish and inconsiderate he was!

My only option was to take a taxi home and I was alone the whole evening and night. He didn’t even offer to come to my place and see if I was okay.

We never talked about the abortion even though we were dating on and off for a couple of years. This abortion didn’t leave me with any regrets.

The only thing that bothers me is that we used the pull-out method and my lack of self-respect. I should have left him straight after the abortion. But I was young and crazy in love. They say love makes you blind. That was exactly what happened to me.

I never ever thought I would end up having another abortion. But here I am, in a mature age of 39 and almost a year ago I had my second abortion.

I had just turned 38 and my boyfriend and I had been together exactly one year. I always said to my friends that I have no necessity to have children. But if I met the love of my life and he wanted a baby, I would be willing to try.

In December 2019 we stopped using contraception and agreed to give a chance to pregnancy.

Considering my high age and the fact that we didn`t track fertile days, I was really surprised to realize in April 2020 that I was pregnant. My first reaction was panic and the fact that there`s no going back.

My boyfriend was excited, but I was feeling really unwell both mentally and physically. I tried to adjust to the idea of having a baby, but it was overwhelmed with disbelief.

At night I prayed for miscarriage. I know it sounds awful, but I was feeling really depressed and not myself at all. One morning I wasn’t feeling the normal morning sickness and was so relieved of the possibility of having a miscarriage. But that wasn’t the case.

I have suffered from panic disorder, general anxiety and OCD from a very young age. In my early thirties I was also diagnosed with depression. I’ve used antidepressants since the age of 20.

When we started to try to get pregnant, I lowered my dose of antidepressants to a minimum. In retrospect it was a mistake. One evening I was crying on our couch because I was so depressed and anxious about what our future would look like with a baby.

I was really struggling to keep my mind even somewhat normal. My boyfriend then said to me: “You know we still have time to decide if we want to terminate the pregnancy. You are more important than anything and you are the light of my life.”

I was really surprised because initially he was the one who wanted to have a baby and was the one who got also me open to the idea.

I had an appointment with my ob gyn a couple of days from that. Just an hour before the appointment I had made my mind to terminate the pregnancy.

I was terrified of the fact that something was growing inside of me, was really stressed out all the time and had a fear that someone would inherit my mental health problems.

I was crying when the doctor called my name. We thought I would be about 7 weeks. The ultrasound confirmed I was 8+0 or 8+1. I panicked again. I wish I hadn’t been that far.

Luckily, I still had the option to have a medical termination. Next day I came back to the clinic and a really nice nurse gave me the first pill to swallow and gave the other four pills to take home. I was feeling really sad, but also relieved. I was sure I didn’t ever want to have children.

Two weeks after this I had to go back to have a blood test. It showed that my hCG level was a bit too high, which meant my uterus had not completely deflated. Once again, I panicked. I never have been in a surgery where they had to put me into sleep.

Luckily my ob gyn could do the operation in her normal room without anesthesia. She used some manual suction device (she told me that it was same kind of device they use for insemination) by which she removed placental/embryonic tissue from my uterus. A couple of days later my period started and the doctor told me over the phone that it would have cleared the tissue from my uterus naturally.

After the appointment I felt really relieved, but I also started to have feelings of immense guilt and depression. I knew I had to seek professional help. I saw a psychiatrist and she prescribed two different antidepressants and a sedative. I also went to discuss with a very nice psychologist.

I am still in the process of healing and once in a while I cry and feel depressed. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about the abortion. I regret that we started TTC and that we “succeeded”.

I still have hard time to see babies and pregnant women. I still have really bad days. I still blame myself. I still feel anxious.

But as the days go by, I start to feel a little better. Little by little I start to feel myself again. With my second abortion my boyfriend was by my side through the whole procedure and has been really understanding. He thinks that abortion was the right decision. Mistakes happen and we have to just move on with our lives.

I wanted to share my story because it really helps me to read other women’s stories and realize that I’m not alone. I am so thankful for pages like 2plusabortions.com and 1in3campaign.org.