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Yesterday, just a few days after my 25th birthday, I had my second abortion.
When I was 21, I did not know I was pregnant, but it did not matter because I ended up having an abrupt miscarriage. My boyfriend, who I am still with, and I both agreed we would have ended up terminating it anyways since we were not in a good place in our relationship, work wise, and financially.
About a year later, when I was 22, I ended up pregnant again. We were still not in a good place and agreed that we did not want a baby yet.
We were still fighting all the time; we were both going to school full time and working full time as well so we would not have the time or patience to raise a child. So, a week later, we went to the nearest Planned Parenthood and I had a surgical abortion.
Everyone there was just so understanding and supportive. I was so scared that I started to cry before the procedure, but the nurses comforted me and assured me that any decision I chose would be the right one.
I woke up not long after with a heating pad and was given juice and cookies. Then my boyfriend took me home and put me to bed. After, we both agreed we would be more careful and promised each other we would not get into this situation again. However, sometimes we cannot keep all promises.
Fast forward three years later, a couple weeks ago I had a feeling that I was pregnant, so I went and got a test.
Although my boyfriend and I are in a much better place, when it was positive the first thought in my head was, "I am not ready still."
Like many people, this pandemic was rough. I was working nonstop. I had an allergic reaction to one of my medications for manic depression and ended up in the hospital with a rash and high fever. A couple months later I tested positive for COVID.
It felt like one issue after another. So, when I found out I was pregnant again, I called Planned Parenthood.
We had a trip already planned for my birthday, so I had to wait 2 weeks for the appointment. I really did not enjoy the trip we had been planning for months. I was really beating myself up about having to go to Planned Parenthood again, crying almost every night telling myself how stupid and irresponsible I had been.
One day, after crying for a couple hours, I went onto google to see how many women are in the same situation as me and stumbled onto this site. I was still feeling ashamed and guilty about having to get another one, but reading these stories helped calm me down.
While waiting yesterday for the procedure I was reading some of these stories. Then when I went in to get the ultrasound they do before the procedure, I started to cry about how disappointed I was in myself about having to get another one.
The nurse said, 'this is more common than you think.' That helped a little, then another nurse who did the education part and was going to be in the room during the procedure noticed I was upset and said, 'If I was pregnant right now, I'd do the same thing. Sometimes the timing is not right and only you can decide that.'
After that, I stopped crying and started to feel okay about myself. After the procedure, I thanked her for being so supportive and caring and she gave me a hug before setting me into a chair with a heating pad. Another kind nurse came in to check on me and gave me juice and graham crackers.
Today is the day after the procedure, I went to work for the first time in a couple weeks not feeling like some POS. Although I'm close to everyone I work with and consider them like family, I didn't tell them anything because some have fertility issues and had to do IVF and others are highly religious, so I didn't want to start something, but mainly I didn't feel the need to share that with them.
Now I feel more relieved about the decision and I am so thankful that one, I can make a decision about my body, and two, that everyone at Planned Parenthood is so supportive and not judgmental about the situation. I can live my life the way I intended to and when I'm ready, I'm sure I'll be a great mom, just not anytime soon.
For those having to go through the same thing, it is not something to be ashamed of. Only you know what is right for you, you are brave for making a tough decision and you are definitely not alone.
