"I left him soon after, the violent outbursts turned me into a shell of myself."

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I had three abortions. I got pregnant with my abusive ex when I was 21. I just dropped out of college after being sexually assaulted by a group of men. I was vulnerable and got into the wrong relationship. I left him soon after, the violent outbursts turned me into a shell of myself.

I stopped respecting men and began my journey into drug addiction and using men.

I fell pregnant a second time at 23 when I was with my at-the-time homeless boyfriend. We'd bounce from abandoned house to abandoned house. It was an easy decision to let go. But it still hurt.

The shame was stronger the second time around. He was so poor he couldn't even help me pay for it or drive me there. He sat outside on his skateboard.

I was good for a while. I got better, so I thought. Therapy, sober-ish, finally back in undergrad.

I fell in love with a man with a dead-end job. He made so many broken promises over the 5 years we dated. He never amounted to anything. I cheated on him with an old friend. I'll never know who's child it was. The guilt was debilitating. I should have told him I didn't know who's child it was. I was always still in love with the old friend. . . but he was an addict too.

I stayed in that relationship for another year after this. The guilt made me stop having sex all together. I was fearful. I couldn't trust myself.

I got an IUD, hoping it would stop me from being so fertile. The other contraceptions had failed me 3x by now. The pills were basically useless for a forgetful addict. I genuinely would think I was taking them on time, but days would pass and I would forget to take them and I'd fall pregnant.

They shouldn't give daily contraceptions to people as forgetful as suicidal drug addicts.

Now I'm in love. It's been seven years since my first abortion. I prayed, I cried. No one knows about them all except for my current man.

We talk about marriage lately and wanting children. My guilt awakened. I cry daily for the life I could have had.

I feel compelled to have three children now — so the souls of my abortions, if that's how the Christians claim it works, can come back into this life. I think of them often, what they'd look like.

I'm sorry to them, to me, to my body - for not caring about myself for so long and letting mistakes happen. I'm better now and have the space in my life to care for children. I'm 27. Please forgive me little babies, wherever you are.