This story is published at Shout Your Abortion.
In 2020, with being at home in lockdown, my boyfriend (now fiancée) and I got pregnant. I was excited because I had been told years prior that I may not be able to have children.
But I was 25 and he was 26, and we were struggling financially due to unemployment. It wasn’t the right time. So we decided to get my first abortion (with the pills).
I was mentally prepared for the decision and assumed I could endure any physical pain since I was used to severe cramps during my normal cycle. It was nowhere near what I prepared for and I definitely was NOT emotionally prepared for what came next.
In the weeks after, I felt absolutely miserable. I had such a negative self criticism. Even though I’m pro choice, I felt like I was terrible person for going through with it. I literally hated myself for even getting pregnant in the first place.
I buried myself in work and neglected everything, including my supportive partner. I didn’t tell anyone about any of this because I was so ashamed and guilty.
So in summary, I was in lockdown, not talking to anyone, and burying myself in my thoughts. I felt super super alone and this went on for a VERY long time. It festered inside to the point that I had an entire weekend filled with panic attacks about 15 months after the abortion.
Fortunately, I broke down in front of my partner and he helped me stabilize my emotions.
After that weekend, I essentially started on a journey of self love and self care, which has been the most difficult and triggering thing I have ever done. But honestly, I’m very grateful and fortunate that my experience led me down that path.
Now, I am 27 and we got pregnant again. Because we are trying to sculpt our life to our liking, we have decided that now is not the right time to expand our family. So I have my second abortion scheduled in about a week.
We talked about celebrating our abortion as a way to close a chapter in our life and appreciate the choice and privilege we have to make this decision.
I hope my story reaches someone who needed to hear it, just as the other stories on this platform have made me feel less alone on my journey. Stay positive and grateful no matter what your story is.