This story is published at My Abortion, My Life.
I have had 2 surgical abortions in the past 2 years in which I did not undergo any anesthesia. I was completely awake and coherent during these procedures. The first surgery was not that bad, was very quick and tolerable. I was 10 weeks pregnant (according to the sonogram images). I chose to see the sonogram and it will haunt me for the rest of my life.
After the surgery I basically felt no pain, no bleeding and walked out to my car in tears. I felt it was the right thing to do as a 35-year-old single mother of 4 children. The next year and after failed birth control, I found I was again pregnant. I quickly made an appointment at the same clinic and they saw me 2 days after. Apparently, I was too early to detect any pregnancy, so I had to wait 2 weeks for my next appointment. Here I am once again! Ok. . . this is no big deal, right? My confidence is through the roof. I will make this happen one last time and not tell anyone about it. I can do this.
The boyfriend knows but he isn't here. . . I'm a big girl. I get called in for another sonogram that I refuse to look at even though the nurse offered. It detected a 6-week pregnancy, so this should take only a few measly minutes to get over with. The room was cold and huge. I felt like I was being wheel chaired into a scene from The Twilight Zone and these people were getting ready to cut me limb from limb. The nurses certainly aren't as nice as the nurses I had during my first abortion procedure. The doctor is very much older and stern this time. It felt as though he was ripping my insides completely apart. I'm trying not scream but had to yell out a few curse words in the process that I never speak.
After what feels like an eternity he finishes, and I'm sitting up putting on my panties with a blood absorber pad. I'm not bleeding at all, but the pain is excruciating. After 10 minutes in recovery the pain somewhat subsides, and I get to make the 45-minute drive home, crying to my boyfriend on the phone the whole time.
It is currently 4 months after that second abortion and I am pregnant again. The boyfriend isn't happy and wants me to go back to that clinic. I told him to have a nice life and I hope my baby is a girl.
—Starlight