This story is published at Reddit.
When I was 19 in my third semester of college, the girl I dated who was 18 got pregnant and we decided not to go through with it.
I wasn't as supportive, nor did I try to convince her to keep the child, for selfish reasons. We dated but that decision always weighed on our relationship and we separated.
A couple years after our separation and a candid conversation, she explained she was hoping for me to tell her to go through with it. That was the first regret with wondering "what if".
The second abortion happened with a new girlfriend while I was 26 and she was 28.
We were one year in our relationship when we had a drunken night and no protection. After a month went by and we learned of her pregnancy, we discussed a few factors.
We both were college graduates with great paying jobs and strong financial backing. We laughed in surprise and settled on the idea of becoming parents.
After a few days, I went back and forth with the idea and we decided the abortion was necessary. The burden felt deeper for this, as neither of us felt like we had a valid excuse other than we just weren't ready.
A part of me felt deja vu to the sense of not wanting to convince her the abortion isn't the best choice. After going to do the procedure, she openly cried that entire week.
In all honesty, part of the reason I rebelled the second time was because I was fearful of being an absentee father. I'm a contractor and I travel for weeks.
Now I find myself at the age of 28, wanting a child, but I don't feel right and I'm not sure if a guy is allowed to feel this burden especially when I had the opportunity to have two.
A response from a physician:
You are allowed, but I want to encourage you to reframe a lot of how you think about it.
First off, I bet that a lot of the reasons back when you were 19 weren't as selfish as you think. It might be the case that you were, broadly speaking, selfish -- unprepared to help bring new life into the world and raise and nurture it -- but that's okay. You were who you were at that time, and frankly, most 19 year olds aren't ready to be parents. I certainly wasn't when I was 19.
So the woman you were with hoped you'd encourage her to keep it. If you had, it would have been dishonest of you. You weren't ready. You were honest about your emotional capabilities at the time.
(Please note — You may have ALSO been a jerk to her. Maybe instead of communicating directly, you just disengaged and let her figure out on her own that you weren't ready. If so, apologize, and take steps to make sure you grow emotionally from it.)
But it sounds to me that she made the best choice for her life for who you were at the time.
Second one, that's a little tougher. Abortions are times in our lives that show up as big crossroads, but really you were at that crossroads every time you and your partner made decisions about contraception. You could at any time have decided on parenthood. The month that she had an abortion stands out because it's a time that you find it easier to imagine having chosen parenthood.
But you never needed an "excuse" to choose not to be parents and "I travel a lot for work and can't commit to parenthood" is a FINE reason to choose not to be a parent.
It's also a fine moment to look back on two years later and think. . . "Wait, are these my priorities? That may have felt important to me then, but now I want something else." And that's fine too!
Just be kind to your past selves as you approach your decision. They were different people, trying to make the best choices for their situations.
