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I’ve had three abortions. They each have their own story.
The first was somehow easy to decide to get. And besides the massive hormonal drop I felt from that one, everything was relatively smooth and easy.
The second I tried to abort herbally. I nearly poisoned myself. Hallucinated, passed out, even though I did everything by the book. It didn't work - but we thought it did. They couldn't find an embryo on the ultrasound.
Five days later, still pregnant, convinced it must be ectopic, I made the doctor see me again. There it was, in my uterus. Perhaps hiding before?
By the time I got the abortion it was the day before Christmas. I didn't see my family that year. He still went home to his. I stayed alone at my apartment and developed an allergic reaction to the antibiotics they gave me. I felt ashamed that I'd now had two, but still relieved. It was his second as well (we never talk about how many abortions men are involved in).
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The third I didn't want to get. The same he from the second abortion was involved. And he coerced, threatened, and manipulated me into getting one. Said he'd kill himself if I didn't. Said he'd leave me. Said I'd be raising a baby alone. Dragged me to a clinic and tried to force me to take the abortion pill while I sobbed. We left. He said he was disappointed in me.
I knew raising a baby alone meant I'd have to rely on my family and I didn't want to. I also didn't want the baby this way. Not anymore. And, even though it took me two more years to officially leave him, somewhere in me I knew I didn't want to be tied to him for life.
But now, because I wanted her, she was a whole life, she wasn't just a collection of cells like the times before.
There are so many more details, but in the end, I had the procedure. Same wonderful doctor all 3 times. But I was devastated. I regretted my decision for years. For a long time I thought I'd ruined my life. It was seven years ago and I'm still recovering. I wish I could say that it's ok now and it was the right choice but I'm still not sure.
It's complicated for me to talk about abortion. I'm fiercely pro choice but I've also had one abortion I regret. That’s difficult for a lot of people to understand. But I try to tell my story as often as possible.
I'm very honest about having had multiple abortions and about regretting one. I've lost relationships with friends and family members because of it. But I feel adamant that the nuances and contradictions and gray areas surrounding abortion need to be discussed.
I deserve to be pro abortion and also sometimes regretful. My whole story is worthy, even if it confuses people. Maybe especially because it does. So I tell my story in hopes that it helps clear some of the stigma and allow for a more inclusive and layered conversation.
I've written pieces about it that are so much better than this one. Ha. But for some reason, today, after a night of insomnia, this is what I have to share here. I've been following you for a few years. Thank you so much for the space you provide. You are incredibly validating. That you exist helps me. Thank you.