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I had 3 abortions. My two abortions were with my ex fiancé when I was 19. They were very painful and our relationship did not survive as a result. I was heartbroken for a few years.
My third abortion happened after my divorce.
I meet a guy and we were talking. We seem very compatible and we discussed everything before we even got intimate. This including children and if I get pregnant he would want to be part of the baby’s life.
We both had good jobs, income and we were mature. I was 33 and he was 36. There were some yellow flags that turned red in the months I was dating him. I tried to break up with him, but he would ask me to give us a chance.
On Thanksgiving day, I found out I was pregnant and told him. He came by briefly and we got intimate and then he left.
The next day he texts me that he did not want to be a dad. In the days proceeding the blood test to confirm the pregnancy, he kept accusing me of smoking, drinking and him suffering because I was careless.
After my pregnancy was confirmed, he never visited me and he stopped talking to me. He mentioned he would be on vacation for a month and he would not be available until after he comes back because he wanted to enjoy his vacation stress free.
He did not leave me any contact of his family or anyone in case I needed to get in touch with them while he was gone. I have no family here. They are overseas. After getting that message I cried and felt so sick. I was having trouble breathing and cramping a lot that day.
He reached out to me nine days after he said he did not want to be contacted. I had an ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy and sent him a picture of the ultrasound, which was met with a text — “thank you for sharing”.
Few days later I got the baby gender. The bean was a girl. And I shared the news with him. His reply was cold.
I was attached to my bean and I loved her so much already and I was planning my doctors visit in January. The guy refused to provide me with any of his medical history and mentioned that it was too much for him to deal with it.
Meanwhile I was taking care of the baby, my body was changing, I was tired and my migraines got really frequent. The cravings were strong, the baby craved the foods that he would like, ironically.
I even suggested a paternity test to ease any doubts of the baby paternity. I had a blood test done that did not come out very well and I expressed to him my concerns. My goal was for my baby to be healthy.
At week nine, our exchanges became darker. Since the pregnancy I cried myself to sleep every night. His text would mention that this baby would ruin his life, that his baby would never be loved or grow up with a family, to slut shame me for sleeping with him and getting pregnant, I should have just taken the plan B pills.
These texts broke me and at 10 weeks pregnant I decided to end my pregnancy. I got my pills online and decided to take them that first week of January. I went through the abortion alone.
My plan was to bury her remains since it makes sense with my religion. Since I lived in an apartment I bought a pot and dirt.
I did not have a lot of physical pain. All my pregnancy came out at once in my hand. I placed her on the dirt. I was able to see everything out including her.
I remember screaming and collapsing on the floor. I started loosing a lot of blood and needed help. I called him and begged him to come over. He came a few hours later.
I told him about the procedure and he saw her. He took her with him to burry her at his house.
The day I had my abortion was a day before his birthday. I was in so much tears and pain for months after. My grief was overwhelming and I was severely depressed.
I got on some medication per my doctors advice. Since then I have not seen the father of the baby. He mentioned he would help me that week but never saw him again.
I asked to visit the garden she is buried and he did not want that.
Few weeks ago I got a heart tattoo in my chest. The moment I saw her heartbeat was one of the happiest of my life. She brought me joy and happiness and I will never forget her.