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2000, 2006, and 2008. Those were the years when I had an abortion. I had regret and guilt from all of them, and I never could get myself to change my mind on that belief.
I had my first daughter when I was 28, and my second daughter when I was 31. I wasn't just a single mother, but I was a prepared single mother. Never had any regrets about having either of them.
I had another abortion in August 2018. My daughters were 7 and 4 at the time, and having that abortion was the worst thing I ever could have done for myself and my daughters. I felt like a terrible mother, and I again could not change my mind on that belief.
2021, and I am now 38 years old, and something changed in me. This photo, along with dozens of others, were taken just a month ago. But something in me clicked while looking at this photo, and I realized for the first time that abortion gave me my two beautiful daughters and gave me the life that I wanted. I also realized that having my 4th abortion gave my daughters a better life, knowing that I can give them all my time and energy.
I have been punishing myself for 21 years for no reason. All of my abortions were difficult choices, but all of them were worth it in the long run. I wish I could go back to my younger self and tell her that having an abortion is the perfect choice and that the road ahead will be a million times better.
The new challenge out of all of this is going to be talking with my daughters about abortion and its benefits, but I'll worry about that one in a couple more years.
UPDATE — The following new information was submitted to us about six weeks after the original story was published:
I have been wanting to raise my daughters to believe that sex was bad and boys were worse. In all honesty, I didn't want them to be like my past self.
But this change in me has opened my mind to realize that my girls will one day love boys and have sex with boys and have broken hearts with boys, and I know they would be better off with a mother who could help them with all of that.
A couple days ago I had the HARDEST conversation I EVER could with my oldest daughter, and I told her about boys and birth control and sex and pregnancy and abortion.
I talked with her as an adult, and I showed her adult photos so that she could understand what I was talking about.
And I gave my daughter a box of condoms. I am not expecting her to use them anytime soon, but I want an open dialog so that my daughter knows she can come to me for anything.
And I told her about my abortions, and I told her that abortion is safe and a good choice when a woman doesn't want to be pregnant. And I told her this with a carton of eggs, explaining that not all eggs will become chickens and tossing out unwanted eggs is a normal things to do.
And I told my daughter that I kept her and her little sister because I was ready and that they were wanted.
I have no idea if this was the right way of doing this, but the open dialog about abortion has been completed and that is good enough.
I am a single mother, and I will goof up a billions times over, but having this open dialog is a wise decision. I don't want my daughters to have sex or have pregnancies until they are ready, and if they ever need an abortion, I want them to know they can come to me for understanding and support.
