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I'm 42, and a month ago, I had my third abortion.
My first abortion was when I was 33 years old. I just ended a relationship, and I got pregnant on the first night with another man. I was in shock. I wanted a child for a long time, but not this way and not with this man. It took me a long time to decide to have an abortion. I talked to the child, gave her a name.
The day came when I had to go to have a surgical abortion, and I remember waking up and looking at my hands, thinking I was a murderer.
I got an autoimmune disease precisely one year after my first abortion. I had terrible guilt and went back to the first child's father and, after two years, got pregnant again.
All this time, he was exploiting me financially and made my life a misery. Finally, on my second month of pregnancy, he cheated me for some more money (one month's salary), and I got super mad; I knew I had to go if I wanted to take care of my child.
Thank God my parents took me in.
My second abortion was six years later. I was in a relationship with another man and again in another bad relationship. I guess I still could not love myself enough to be alone or with a loving man. I told him I don't want a child anymore; I feel too old, and also I got an autoimmune disease. But he wanted the child no matter what; he said it is his right.
And yes, we did not use protection; he 'put it out'. He tried to cheat me several times by not putting it out. Yet, I still could not get away. I was addicted to his caressing; he could be so gentle with me, I wanted to believe he loved me. Until he one day did it again. I felt so cheated. A few days after, a neighbor told me he saw him kissing another neighbor. I was in a state of shock.
I went to do abortion, moved out of the apartment I rented at a time, all in one month. But still, I missed him, and he somehow persuaded me to come back. Six months later, I was pregnant again. It looks like the method of putting it out is not effective, even if you are 42 years old. So I decided to do an abortion immediately. Our relationship was bad, he was financially and otherwise irresponsible, and I felt I was too old to have a baby. And thank God I did so.
Few days after the abortion, I found out that he took another beautiful woman on a bicycle trip while I had an abortion. It was not the first trip, and he did not tell her he had a girlfriend, discussed sex with her.
Of course, he felt entitled to it; it was his right. And yes, I still feel victimized. I feel I was deeply addicted to him, and this addiction put me through much pain.
All I want now is to be a good mom to my child. I pray to God he would take this addiction away. I'd rather be alone without a partner than go through suffering like this again.
And by no means do I feel abortion was a wrong decision. On the contrary, abortions were the best decisions of my life. I regret I did not love myself more in the past to have children with a man who would respect me and love me the way all women should be respected and loved.
And I pray that the anger I feel towards him would somehow melt since it is only poisoning me. I want my child to have the happy and loving mom she deserves.
Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for having an abortion. And no man can force you to have a baby if you feel you cannot have it, and he is not a man who could be the baby's father. It is your decision, your body, and your life.
~Jana