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I was in a horribly toxic and psychologically abusive relationship for two years. The final straw was him cursing me out in front of a friend, and refusing to let me out of his car. I vowed to never speak to him again; I was done for good. I knew it, and he knew it.
What neither of us knew was that I was five weeks pregnant.
Initially, I planned to have the baby. I already had one abortion two years age by this same guy — he had gotten me pregnant shortly after we met.
I swore that I would never abort another child, or put myself in a position where I was faced with an unwanted pregnancy. And yet: here I was again.
I already had three children from my first marriage and was in no shape mentally or physically well enough to have another baby, especially with a man who frightened me.
After a lot of back and forth, I went to Planned Parenthood. They offered to show me the ultrasound, and I hesitantly agreed. I realized - in horror- that I was carrying twins.
TWINS! I couldn't believe it! There was no history of multiples in my family, or his for that matter.
I made the mistake of calling him and excitedly blurting out the news. I told friends, coworkers, and even my children that I had two buns in the oven. My family was horrified; his was delighted.
My excitement was short-lived, however, when the crushing reality of how this pregnancy would ruin my life truly set in.
I KNEW that I could not be with this man. I KNEW that I did not want to share a child with him — let alone two. I HEARD the way he talked to his own kids.
He made it clear that if we had a child together, he would call all of the shots - and I knew he wasn't kidding. He had shown me a pattern of bullying, manipulation, control, force, rage, and all of the classic signs of narcissism.
The thought of him turning a new leaf, getting down on one knee, and us being able to live together as one big happy family was pure fantasy. When I finally accepted that, I knew the choice I had to make for the sake of my wellbeing, as well as that of my three existing children.
I was exactly twelve weeks along when I terminated the twin pregnancy. If I had waited 24 more hours, Planned Parenthood would not have been able to perform the procedure.
I told my ex and his mom that I had a miscarriage - after all, it was a high risk pregnancy. Neither one of them believed me, and I feared for my safety.
The following day, the amount of guilt I felt was too overwhelming to bear, and I attempted suicide. I ended up in the ICU on dialysis for almost a week as my body struggled to recover from all the trauma it endured.
There is a term that is called "therapeutic abortion." It is described as an abortion that takes place when pregnancy constitutes a threat to the physical or mental health of the mother. That is exactly what I had.
The reality of a twin abortion is still difficult to swallow, but through therapy, prayer, and meditation I am learning to forgive myself for making an impossible choice.
Do I sometimes regret my decision? Do I still feel a pang in my chest whenever I see twins? Absolutely.
But then I ground myself to the reality of what would have happened had I gone through with the pregnancy. I would be a single mother of five, kiss good-bye to my career and goals, and lose my sanity while attempting to co-parent with my abuser.
So, at the end of the day, I know I made the right decision. And I hope and pray my testimony can offer comfort to others.